DROP DATABASE internet;

What on earth are you Babeling about?

My sister’s name is Amanda, not Admin!

That’s funny cuz he tastes like lead paint

npm

sudo rm -rf ~/*

“Fuck y’all, I quit. Good luck with the crisis.”

I have a friend who was a project manager. He took the time to learn every platform used by his team, but held no pretenses that he could actually develop anything without the team. His main goal was filter all the horseshit from the stakeholders and higher-ups so that they wouldn’t overwhelm the team with minutia. By learning the platforms and observing the team developing, he could make accurate predictions on timeliness based on whatever arbitrary feature was being requested and he’d always answer “let me ask my team” before discussing deliverables if he wasn’t sure.

The number of times that he explained in meetings that’s the team’s timeline didn’t change, but that the stakeholders’ expectations did and that introduced a new additional timeline was incredible. It’s unsurprising that he only lasted a year or two before his bosses started pushing for a promotion. Seeing him work made mean bit jealous that I couldn’t be on his team, but we work at different companies and I don’t want to join the private sector if I can be of benefit to public education.

No I’m not

This is like a wonderful parody of every early-aught crime show featuring a tech-heavy storyline. Some of the best dry humor I’ve read in the past few weeks.

I wonder what Dell is gonna name their next desktop!

You know what? I feel like I can safely say, FROM MY IPHONE, that you didn’t have to comment at all.

Okay… They probably stopped reading after applauding my self-righteous indignation…

^Fuck Apple^

Sent from my iPhone

I Cain not endorse your humor. You must be stoned.

Abolitionist Absolutionist Abolitionist

They didn’t have duct tape back then. Mechanical arm was obviously the only solution left

Booty text

Orphan

Gotta admit, the folks at the East Brunswick Olive Garden were always incredibly nice and accommodating. Sometimes you feel like eating a nostalgic shit soup and it’s nice to do so with decent service.

I am parallel parking champion. And when my wife and I work together, our team is a masterclass in parallel parking.

I got so good by hitting lots of things and getting my car stuck at weird angles. Living in NJ for two years gave me lots of opportunities to practice and improve my skills.

The biggest first tip I can give anyone: as long as you don’t completely pass the car you’re trying to park behind, you can never pull too far forward before beginning your maneuver.

Also, if anyone honks at you, calmly check to see if you’re about to hit something—if not, they’re trying to tell you that you’re doing an awesome job! Thank them for their compliment by waving gleefully with either 1 or 5 fingers, your choice.

ETA: oh yeah! Secret sauce reveal. Get some blind spot mirrors but focus them towards your tires. It’s like a cheat code for parking in any situation.

I used to make 3/4-1 1/2" patties, essentially half a pound of ground beef on a regular sized bun. I kinda grew tired of them, though, because that’s how my mom made them my entire childhood. I started trying to stuff them with various things or cheeses, but I eventually realized how much I was disrespecting the meat.

Now I cook them indoors under a vent hood on a 500° griddle. I gently form 3 large meat balls, usually with about 1/3lb of ground 80/20, then put those in the fridge so they don’t get too warm. Barely grease the griddle and then sprinkle some salt and pepper over the top of the meatballs before putting them seasoned side down on the griddle. Then I make 3 small piles of frozen diced onions, sprinkle salt and pepper on them, and put a little bit of butter on top just before I smash down each of the 3 meat balls into smash patties. Then I sprinkle a little salt and pepper on each of the patties. By the time I’m done seasoning the raw side, the very edge of the patties have begun to brown and the onions are becoming translucent. Finally, I flip the patties into the onions and gently press down. I grab my plate and the patties are done, so I’ll immediately remove them from the heat. Cheese, no cheese: lady’s choice. Toss the bun halves on the griddle over the burnt onions and burger fat for an extra-flavorful toast, then dress the bun. By this time, the patties should have rested enough, so I build the burger.

That first bite is bold, salty, somewhat sweet from charred edges, and delicious. But every bite in the middle is meaty, seasoned, oniony goodness. Each patty has a hot-pink center and charred exterior and it’s fucking amazing.

Yeah, I don’t use those for smash burgers. You technically can, but they tend to delaminate more than they smash. Obviously a good healthy sign when you have delaminating meat.