Sounds like Rocky Raccoon moved to Ohio…

If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t have posted this comic.

Don’t fuck with the professional skeptics, kid. There is no limit to raw existential skepticism. All of your intentions are suspect…

Or are they? And what is suspected?

And am I talking to you or the audience? Why would I be talking to you when I don’t even know if you’re a real person or a bot? Is the audience listening? Am I listening? Am I real person? I think, therefore I am, but what happens when I’m not thinking?

Haven’t done it myself yet, but here’s the docker install guide… seeing what your username is and all…

Yes

“Suck who? I’m gonna do what you tell me.”

Trump.

Edit: QuarterSwede beat me to it, so I’ll go for Musk as a close second.

The answer to life, the universe and everything.

Yes, I know it’s 42, but 42 what?

Nah, just say the plague will ravage the land, war will last for another seventy years, and you’re the only hope of salvation - that pretty much sums up the late 1300s. Then just get your followers off the battle lines, adopt a bunch of cats to keep the rat problem at bay, and practice basic sanitation and isolation - what we learned during COVID.

Within a couple of years, yours will be the only thriving community. Play your cards right, stay peaceful, prosperous, and show deference to the church and you’ll be pretty much set. Might even wrangle a sainthood if you play your cards right.

/s to all this of course… most likely I’d just use my extensive knowledge of porn and poetry to try and charm a noblewoman to take care of me.

Prophecy some major upcoming events, subsequently market myself as a saint, grab a comfy church position, sell indulgences, profit. Works in pretty much any era.

What if I’m on drugs?

Clearly driving in the cybertruck lane…

If you’re looking to get to California, have your husband check out PG&E - they’re almost always actively hiring linemen at that rate - usually higher. You can make it here on $100k relatively comfortably if you’re smart with your $.

There’s still racism here, but it’s nowhere near what you see on the east coast - less institutional, at least in Northern California - this changes depending on how far inland you go. SoCal is considerably more tribal, and the LAPD has a bad history when it comes to race relations, but still not on the same level as WV.

Source: multiracial family, lived all over

This is almost exactly what happened to me on Monday, resulting in a fifteen hour day.

My particular jenga piece was an Access query that none of my predecessors had deigned to document or even tell me about… but was critical to run monthly or you had obsolete data embedded deep within multi-million dollar reports.

Thank god I don’t work on salary anymore, or I’d be really upset.

Welcome to the dark side, young padawan…

cackles manically in DAX

You will understand in time, young padawan…

It depends on how long you use it:

Year 1: Ok, this is kinda cool, but why does it keep fucking breaking?

Year 2: How is it still fucking breaking?

Year 3: I just don’t fucking care why it keeps breaking. I think I hate this program.

Year 4: I hate this program

Year 5: Let the hate flow through you, consume you. Feel the dark side flowing through your fingertips. Yes. Good. Why is it breaking? It’s the end users. Yes… they’ve been plotting against you from the beginning - hiding columns, erasing formulas and even…

merging cells

Que heavy breathing through a respirator.

Year 6: It’s a board meeting. They ask you if you can average all the moving averages of average sales per month and provide an exponential trendline to forecast growth on five million rows of data.

You say “sure, boss, I can knock that for you in Excel in about an hour or two.”

Your team leader interjects “I believe what he was trying to say was we’ll use Tableau and it will take about a month.”

You turn to him with a steely glare.

“I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

Year 7: Your team leader is gone after you pointed out he fucked up one of your sheets that run the business by merging a cell. All data flows through you and the holy spreadsheet, and the board is terrified of firing you because no one knows how your sheets work but you and their entire inventory system would collapse if you leave.

But then the inevitable happens. Dissension in the ranks. The juniors talk of python, R, Tableau, Power BI - anything to release your dark hold upon the holy data. You could crush them all with a xlookup chain faster than they can type a SELECT statement. The Rebellion is coming, but you’re ready. You’ve discovered the Data Model, capable of building a relational database behind the hidden moons of Power Pivot, parsing tens of millions of rows - and your Death Star is almost complete.

You’re ready to unleash your dark fury when the fucking spreadsheet breaks again.

Year 8: New company. They ask if you know Excel. You just start cackling with a addictive gleam in your eye as tears start streaming down your face.

They hire you on the spot.

All they use is Excel. And Access.

You think, ok, this is kinda cool, but why does it keep fucking breaking?

Personally I prefer my junior programmers well done.